1/7/2016

Today’s not a good day.  Nothing bad per say, just have a lot of shit going through my mind.  I just turned in my papers for the VA to fill out and that’s probably going to take a while to get back because the VA is slow as hell.

It’s frustrating when you apply for a job, don’t hear anything, then see a week later that the job was reposted on job sites. I think I’m just tired of being here.  My family is here but I don’t want to be.  My wife and I are supposed to be going to Austin in April and I already told her that maybe I’ll go up there a few weeks early and go job hunting.  I talked to my dad about going somewhere else to look for a job and he said I should do what i need to do.

When i left this shit hole midwest back in 99, it was hard to leave my family, but I joined the Air Force and it wasn’t like i was just going somewhere with no job.

I just spoke to one of my good friends last night about stuff.  I’ve known this guy since we were in the 5th grade, so I take his words to heart.  I told him that I feel like I haven’t accomplished shit.  I’m 36 and don’t have anything to show for it.  Yeah Im married, but that’s it.  No house, no kids, I bounce from job to job.  I hate it. He said be glad you don’t have kids you have to worry about at least.  I said that’s true, but if i did have kids, would that have put me in a different place today.  What i mean is that I would have to do whatever it takes to clothe and feed my kids.    I probably wouldn’t have been so quick to bounce between jobs.

This isn’t sour grapes.  I know I can’t go back in time, it just sucks when the time you wasted is longer than the time you have in front of you.  I think about those that go out and rob banks or rob people.  Like really, how many of them wanted to do that just to be a dick, vs those that did it because they ran out of options?

This leads me to religion.  I don’t want to say God or Jesus because this applies to all religions.  How long can you go asking for help or asking for something good, till you finally give up on the prayers?  Personally, I pray to Jesus.  Some would ask why I don’t pray to God? I don’t believe in God. I do believe in Jesus though.  I don’t believe that he walked on water or turned water into wine or any of that nonsense.  I believe that Jesus was a man at one time who did perform miracles, just not the type that i listed above.  When i say miracles, I mean that he helped people more than others did.  It’s kind of funny when  speak to people about religion.  How can you believe in Jesus but not believe in God, church or the bible? I believe in science.  When a person is killed by a drunk driver, who do you blame, the drunk or God?  The drunk right?  So why is it that when a doctor saves a heart attack victim, you hear “god is good” “god works miracles”.  God didn’t do shit, that doctor did.  The doctor is the one who should be getting praised.