Divorce

The following blog deals with the recent decision Barbara and I made concerning our marriage. We have decided that it’s probably best to get divorced. To my family and friends, at no time do I wish to hear any of you talking shit about Barbara, nor will any of you hear me speak negative of her. We do not hate each other, so there is no reason for either of us to talk shit. Also, Barbara is more of a private person so please DO NOT bombard her with questions. Thank you.

10 years ago I was in a pretty bad place in my life.  No job, no house and living in my sister’s basement.  I was on Myspace (for you youngins, that was the original facebook) just looking at people in the area and came across one profile that got my attention.  It belonged to a pretty twenty something woman named Barbara.

One day Barbara responded to a post I left her and after that we talked everyday for three months.  I finally gathered up the courage to ask her to meet.  I said lets meet at a restaurant for lunch, this way if either of us is uncomfortable, we can leave. So there I was, sitting at the corner table of La Primavera, wondering if this girl was going to show up.  Of course, she was running on Mexican time, but when she walked through the door, I knew she was the one I was going to marry.  It was kind of funny that for three months, we could talk via posts, but face to face i was shy and nervous.  She was so pretty, I thought.  Those eyes, and damn those lips lol.  So after lunch I asked her what she was doing that night and she said she was going to go to dinner with her sisters. I said cool, what time should i meet you?  Looking back now, i guess you could say that was a bit stalkerish lol.  She laughed and probably thought i was joking but guess who showed up for dinner? This guy. After we parted for the night, I went to the gas station around my dads house, put three bucks into the slot machine (at the time in IA, slot machines were in gas stations too) pulled the lever and won $1000.  I called her right after and said you are my good luck charm. We have been together ever since.

On Oct 9th, 2010 we got married.  I remember crying as she walked down the isle. She looked gorgeous.  I remember thinking I have to be a man now, no more childish shit.  She is trusting me to be in her life. Like most marriages it wasn’t always easy. There was yelling, there was crying, there was one slight physical altercation that happened because of her love of Hardees.  Wont get into it but shit still cracks me up to this day.  Seriously though, we faced the same problems that all married couples do.  And each time we got through it.  When we got married I said that I would never get divorced because if you are in love with someone then you can move past the bs and come out stronger together. Fast forward to this year.  A friend of hers had passed away unexpectedly and things began to change.

I’ve always said, you don’t have to touch a person to push them away, words and attitudes can do the same. And i think that’s what happened.  She wanted to live that type of way and I couldn’t handle it. My reasoning is, you are not single, your married.  She went to Texas with her sister and friend for the weekend and for the first time in awhile my anxiety wasn’t in full force. I called her in the morning, maybe texted her twice in the day and waited for her to call me when she got back to the hotel at night.  But if you ask her, I called every hour on the hour lol.  I picked her up from the train station and asked if she was still in it…she said she didn’t know.  For the first time in 7 years, I just heard my wife question our marriage. So for two weeks we discussed it back and forth.  One day she said she wanted a divorce, the next day I said i wanted it.

Finally, we came to the agreement that on Sunday Nov, 5 2017 we would finally make up our minds. After and hour or so on the couch, airing out our shit, she finally asked what i wanted to do.  I said I can’t say because i don’t want to sway what you’re going to say.  I said lets write it on a piece of paper give it to each other. Childish shit i know, but hey, you do what you gotta do. She wrote her answer, I wrote mine.  I opened it up expecting for it to say we would work on it.  Nope, it said divorce. She opened her’s and the look on her face was that of surprise.  It said stay.

It’s amazing how one simple word can make your stomach end up in your throat so quickly.   To know that a person no longer wants you in that capacity really hurts. We’ve been through so many other things without giving up that i figured this was just another bump in the road that we we would get over.   I told her that I love her enough to fight for our marriage, but I also love her enough to give her the divorce she wants.

My feelings are all over the place.  One minute i love her, the next I’m mad, the next I’m crying, the next Im ok. As you read this, please don’t think I’m an angel throughout this marriage. There are times that I can think of where she could have asked me for a divorce and I wouldn’t even question it. She met a guy who was living on his sister’s couch in the basement and gave him a chance. She stayed with a guy who bounced from job to job because he got bored with each one. She stayed with a guy who couldn’t give her children.

For all of that I love her. In fact, I’m still in love with her. But you can’t force someone to have the same feelings as you.  We said that we would be better as friends than husband and wife.  I truly hope that is the outcome we have because she is and will forever have a place in my heart. We are not divorcing because we cheated on each other or because we hate each other.  I believe we are divorcing because we don’t want it to get to that point.

This new chapter in my life is going to be weird for me. I’ve never really lived by myself.  In the military i had a roommate, as a CO I shared a house with a coworker, lived with my aunt, lived with my sister, lived with Barbara’s mom and then with Barbara for the past 7 years. Never too late to put on your big boy pants.  Will I ever get remarried? If i had a dollar for every time I have heard that, I’d have probably 6 bucks lol.  I can’t tell you to be honest, just too soon.  I’m scared that I wont find someone who will love me. I’m scared to start over.  I’m scared to face the first dates, or the rejections.  I’m scared that Barbara will find a guy who will make her smile shine brighter than I could.

In closing, there is a song that I always liked but never really understood till now.  I got to see Coldplay in Chicago for Barbara’s birthday.

See you soon.

This last weekend has probably been one of the hardest times in my life.  My grandfather passed away about 2 days after being taken off of dialysis.  As the oldest grandchild, I think when it all happened, I was more worried about making sure my cousins and family were ok, rather then let my emotions get the best of me.  It was after all just a matter of time after they stopped dialysis.  Even though it was expected and you try to prepare yourself, it’s still heartbreaking.  I know some people lose them when they are young, but I’ve been blessed to have had mine through my adult years.  The first grandparent i lost was my mothers mom when i was about 19 or 20.  So now 18 years after losing my mothers mom,  I’ve lost my fathers dad. Seeing my dad at my grandpa’s bedside after he passed is an experience I do not ever want to feel again, only i know that I’ll have to go through it 4 more times.  My grandpa was awesome.  He talked shit, gave me the finger and told me he loved me all at the same time.  Today at work, I think the realization finally hit because I broke down.  I think about my dad the most. He was close to my grandpa like I am close to my dad.  He can no longer call him on the phone, or watch the Cubs or Blackhawks with him. That scares me the most. There will be a day that I wont be able to call my dad, celebrate a Hawks goal, or go golfing with him.  My grandpa hated going to the hospital for dialysis and for medical shit, so saying that I wish he was still here would be selfish on my part.  Death is inevitable and I understand that, just wish taking the lose would be easier.  Here is the picture slide show I did for the visitation.