Let’s talk about this thing called life.

When i was younger my dad was in a car accident while working that was pretty bad. His car flipped over a few times, flipped over some railroad tracks and landed wheels up.  Luckily he was just a little banged up and all I can really remember was seeing him with a neck brace on.  Being as young as I was, I didn’t understand the severity of what could have came from that accident.

In 2013 I saw first hand what alcohol can do to someone when my uncle passed away from cirrhosis. It sucked seeing someone who was such a strong person slowly deteriorate.

Around last year, one of my mom’s had a slight heart attack.  That was one of the first times in my life that I was truly scared about losing someone close to me.  Thankfully nothing serious came from it and now she is back to being her old grouchy self again lol.

Now lets fast forward to a few weeks ago.  My sister called me saying that my biological mom was in the hospital due to excessive bleeding. Side note, my mom has not been to a doctor/hospital in about 33 years.  Yes, 33 years is not a misprint.  Anyways, so my sister and some other family members convinced my mom to get a biopsy even though she is scared shitless of doctors.

Last week again my sister called me, and informed me that it was stage 2 uterine cancer.  Now a part of me was saying “fuck, it’s cancer”.  Then another part of me was saying “well it is uterine so an operation and chemo should kill it”.   But here is the thing.  My mom and stepdad do not really believe in pharmaceutical drugs and crap like that, they lean more towards the natural b.s..

So I just sat there thinking to myself. Is she going to take the advice from the doctors or is she going to just try some natural bs that probably wont work?  But as I sat there, now with tears in my eyes, I said, well who am I to judge.  She can do what she wants because it’s her life. I understand that some may find that disheartening, but if I was sick, I wouldn’t want people telling me what to do.

This I believe is where my sister and I are going to butt heads.  I have told my mother that i will support her in any decision that she makes. Mind you, ANY DECISION THAT SHE MAKES, not what my sister wants or what my stepdad wants.  My sister on the other hand wants my mother to do all she can to get healthy and I agree with her.  But you can’t force someone to go through chemo, or radiation, or take pills the rest of their life if they don’t want to. I feel it would be selfish of me to tell you what to do.

I did go to Missouri a few days ago to see my mom and sister.  I went not only because it had been a few years since i’ve seen my mom but also because i wanted to tell her to her face that I support whatever she does and that I love her.  I also went up there to try to convince her that my sister needs to be her power of attorney and not my stepdad.  Now this is NOT meant as a slap in the face to my stepdad.  He is a truck driver and it could take him up to 48 hours to get back home.   If something were to happen to my mom, I wouldn’t want them to try to get a hold of him and him not answer his phone or can’t come back right away.  Leaving my sister there helpless. I also wanted to try to get my mom to let us know what she wants done funeral wise. Unfortunately my mom thinks that we are trying to put her in her grave already and of course that is not the case. I just want everything in writing so my sister and my stepdad don’t end up fighting over her wishes if she tells him one thing and tells us another.

Because my sister lives in Missouri, just 40 minutes away from my mom, I give her total respect and love for taking on this responsibility of caring for our mom.  I could move up there and help her but i think that would do more harm than good. My sister has lived with my mom since she was born and knows how to deal with my mom, unlike myself who hasn’t lived with her since i was 7.  My mother is set in her ways and my sister is used to it, whereas I am not.

My mom has agreed to have the operation, but the chemo/radiation will be the big obstacle.  Now we just have to wait and see…

1/7/2016

Today’s not a good day.  Nothing bad per say, just have a lot of shit going through my mind.  I just turned in my papers for the VA to fill out and that’s probably going to take a while to get back because the VA is slow as hell.

It’s frustrating when you apply for a job, don’t hear anything, then see a week later that the job was reposted on job sites. I think I’m just tired of being here.  My family is here but I don’t want to be.  My wife and I are supposed to be going to Austin in April and I already told her that maybe I’ll go up there a few weeks early and go job hunting.  I talked to my dad about going somewhere else to look for a job and he said I should do what i need to do.

When i left this shit hole midwest back in 99, it was hard to leave my family, but I joined the Air Force and it wasn’t like i was just going somewhere with no job.

I just spoke to one of my good friends last night about stuff.  I’ve known this guy since we were in the 5th grade, so I take his words to heart.  I told him that I feel like I haven’t accomplished shit.  I’m 36 and don’t have anything to show for it.  Yeah Im married, but that’s it.  No house, no kids, I bounce from job to job.  I hate it. He said be glad you don’t have kids you have to worry about at least.  I said that’s true, but if i did have kids, would that have put me in a different place today.  What i mean is that I would have to do whatever it takes to clothe and feed my kids.    I probably wouldn’t have been so quick to bounce between jobs.

This isn’t sour grapes.  I know I can’t go back in time, it just sucks when the time you wasted is longer than the time you have in front of you.  I think about those that go out and rob banks or rob people.  Like really, how many of them wanted to do that just to be a dick, vs those that did it because they ran out of options?

This leads me to religion.  I don’t want to say God or Jesus because this applies to all religions.  How long can you go asking for help or asking for something good, till you finally give up on the prayers?  Personally, I pray to Jesus.  Some would ask why I don’t pray to God? I don’t believe in God. I do believe in Jesus though.  I don’t believe that he walked on water or turned water into wine or any of that nonsense.  I believe that Jesus was a man at one time who did perform miracles, just not the type that i listed above.  When i say miracles, I mean that he helped people more than others did.  It’s kind of funny when  speak to people about religion.  How can you believe in Jesus but not believe in God, church or the bible? I believe in science.  When a person is killed by a drunk driver, who do you blame, the drunk or God?  The drunk right?  So why is it that when a doctor saves a heart attack victim, you hear “god is good” “god works miracles”.  God didn’t do shit, that doctor did.  The doctor is the one who should be getting praised.

3/9/15

It’s been awhile since I’ve last written I know, but it’s been a crazy time in my life.  I’m still looking for another job, that hasn’t changed. I have had interviews, but i’m looking for a career move, not just another job.  The problem i’m having right now is that i’m either too over qualified, or just not qualified enough.  It really pisses me off that here I am with a bachelor degree, working on my masters and can’t get assistance.  Yet, you have third generation welfare families with no high school diploma and they have a fridge full of food, cable, cellphone, $36 for rent and haven’t worked in years.  Sonny was right,the workin man is a Sucka! – Bronx Tale

I almost have my costume ready for Chicago’s WizardCon.  I’m going as Barf from spaceballs and my niece is going as batman.  I’m crazy excited to take her cause she is such an awesome kid and I think she will have a blast.  I’m taking my nephew to his first wwe ppv next month which i know will make him shit his pants.  Not being able to have kids myself, i enjoy doing those types of things with my nieces and nephews.  Now if i can only get my nephew addicted to hockey lol

This weekend, i decided to go visit my biological mom in Missouri.  I have not lived with her since I was about 6, so unfortunately when i visit, we tend to argue about something. She has her way of thinking and i have my dads.  It doesn’t mix.  So yeah, we got into an argument because my mom has beef with her niece,my cousin.  My cousin asked me to go to lunch with her and my other cousins, however because of this dumb ass beef, my mom was having none of it.  However, i’m 35 and i’m going to do what i want, so i went and had an awesome time catching up with my cousins.  My mom said some things to me that I wont put on here but didn’t make me feel very good, especially coming from a mom.  I love my mom no matter what, after all she is my mom. It’s just hard when you have not lived with someone or been at least in the same state as someone for over 25 years.  Personalities and attitudes clash. I do have a step mom,but i introduce her as mom to people i meet.  She has been my mom since i was like 6.  I’ve just never got around to calling her mom, don’t know why.  I should since she is the one who has raised me..it’s difficult to explain I guess.

I did however have a kick ass time with my sister and her husband.  My sister and i also have never lived together really except for maybe till she was 4.  We usually fight ever damn time we see each other.  She is strong minded as am I and we don’t hold back.  But for some reason, this time we bonded unlike before. If there is one thing i wish I could go back and change in my life, it is that i would have been a better brother to both of my sisters.  I try to make up for it now that we are older, but there are many years that could and should have been better.

It’s actually funny how when your body is sick, you start to think about the life you have lived and things you would have changed, like it’s going to heal you now.  Actually that is not very good to do, it can bring depression and anxiety and make you feel worse.

I love Paige from WWE, just getting that out there.

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