Divorce

The following blog deals with the recent decision Barbara and I made concerning our marriage. We have decided that it’s probably best to get divorced. To my family and friends, at no time do I wish to hear any of you talking shit about Barbara, nor will any of you hear me speak negative of her. We do not hate each other, so there is no reason for either of us to talk shit. Also, Barbara is more of a private person so please DO NOT bombard her with questions. Thank you.

10 years ago I was in a pretty bad place in my life.  No job, no house and living in my sister’s basement.  I was on Myspace (for you youngins, that was the original facebook) just looking at people in the area and came across one profile that got my attention.  It belonged to a pretty twenty something woman named Barbara.

One day Barbara responded to a post I left her and after that we talked everyday for three months.  I finally gathered up the courage to ask her to meet.  I said lets meet at a restaurant for lunch, this way if either of us is uncomfortable, we can leave. So there I was, sitting at the corner table of La Primavera, wondering if this girl was going to show up.  Of course, she was running on Mexican time, but when she walked through the door, I knew she was the one I was going to marry.  It was kind of funny that for three months, we could talk via posts, but face to face i was shy and nervous.  She was so pretty, I thought.  Those eyes, and damn those lips lol.  So after lunch I asked her what she was doing that night and she said she was going to go to dinner with her sisters. I said cool, what time should i meet you?  Looking back now, i guess you could say that was a bit stalkerish lol.  She laughed and probably thought i was joking but guess who showed up for dinner? This guy. After we parted for the night, I went to the gas station around my dads house, put three bucks into the slot machine (at the time in IA, slot machines were in gas stations too) pulled the lever and won $1000.  I called her right after and said you are my good luck charm. We have been together ever since.

On Oct 9th, 2010 we got married.  I remember crying as she walked down the isle. She looked gorgeous.  I remember thinking I have to be a man now, no more childish shit.  She is trusting me to be in her life. Like most marriages it wasn’t always easy. There was yelling, there was crying, there was one slight physical altercation that happened because of her love of Hardees.  Wont get into it but shit still cracks me up to this day.  Seriously though, we faced the same problems that all married couples do.  And each time we got through it.  When we got married I said that I would never get divorced because if you are in love with someone then you can move past the bs and come out stronger together. Fast forward to this year.  A friend of hers had passed away unexpectedly and things began to change.

I’ve always said, you don’t have to touch a person to push them away, words and attitudes can do the same. And i think that’s what happened.  She wanted to live that type of way and I couldn’t handle it. My reasoning is, you are not single, your married.  She went to Texas with her sister and friend for the weekend and for the first time in awhile my anxiety wasn’t in full force. I called her in the morning, maybe texted her twice in the day and waited for her to call me when she got back to the hotel at night.  But if you ask her, I called every hour on the hour lol.  I picked her up from the train station and asked if she was still in it…she said she didn’t know.  For the first time in 7 years, I just heard my wife question our marriage. So for two weeks we discussed it back and forth.  One day she said she wanted a divorce, the next day I said i wanted it.

Finally, we came to the agreement that on Sunday Nov, 5 2017 we would finally make up our minds. After and hour or so on the couch, airing out our shit, she finally asked what i wanted to do.  I said I can’t say because i don’t want to sway what you’re going to say.  I said lets write it on a piece of paper give it to each other. Childish shit i know, but hey, you do what you gotta do. She wrote her answer, I wrote mine.  I opened it up expecting for it to say we would work on it.  Nope, it said divorce. She opened her’s and the look on her face was that of surprise.  It said stay.

It’s amazing how one simple word can make your stomach end up in your throat so quickly.   To know that a person no longer wants you in that capacity really hurts. We’ve been through so many other things without giving up that i figured this was just another bump in the road that we we would get over.   I told her that I love her enough to fight for our marriage, but I also love her enough to give her the divorce she wants.

My feelings are all over the place.  One minute i love her, the next I’m mad, the next I’m crying, the next Im ok. As you read this, please don’t think I’m an angel throughout this marriage. There are times that I can think of where she could have asked me for a divorce and I wouldn’t even question it. She met a guy who was living on his sister’s couch in the basement and gave him a chance. She stayed with a guy who bounced from job to job because he got bored with each one. She stayed with a guy who couldn’t give her children.

For all of that I love her. In fact, I’m still in love with her. But you can’t force someone to have the same feelings as you.  We said that we would be better as friends than husband and wife.  I truly hope that is the outcome we have because she is and will forever have a place in my heart. We are not divorcing because we cheated on each other or because we hate each other.  I believe we are divorcing because we don’t want it to get to that point.

This new chapter in my life is going to be weird for me. I’ve never really lived by myself.  In the military i had a roommate, as a CO I shared a house with a coworker, lived with my aunt, lived with my sister, lived with Barbara’s mom and then with Barbara for the past 7 years. Never too late to put on your big boy pants.  Will I ever get remarried? If i had a dollar for every time I have heard that, I’d have probably 6 bucks lol.  I can’t tell you to be honest, just too soon.  I’m scared that I wont find someone who will love me. I’m scared to start over.  I’m scared to face the first dates, or the rejections.  I’m scared that Barbara will find a guy who will make her smile shine brighter than I could.

In closing, there is a song that I always liked but never really understood till now.  I got to see Coldplay in Chicago for Barbara’s birthday.

11/9/2015

Wow,its been awhile since I’ve posted on here.  Well let’s get started shall we?

One thing I’ve noticed with society today that was different from the 80’s or 90’s,is all the hate we have for each other.  Maybe it’s because people today have more of an outlet (internet) where their messages will be seen by more people.  Perhaps its the removal of God from schools.   For those that know me, know that I’m not the religious type but I do see a connection between the days when prayer was allowed and teachings/mentioning of the 10 commandments vs today.

I’m not working right now.  Funny being that the last time I wrote on here I was talking about my new job.  I’m not working because I’m lazy, I’m not working because sometimes my attitude is for shit.  I can blame others, but that’s not going to get me anywhere.  I’m at this point in my life because I put myself here. I have put in a million applications but i’m either over qualified or under qualified.  I just had an interview last week and I didn’t get it.  Why didn’t I get it?  The hiring person said that for the amount they were going to offer me, they know I would leave if i got offered more somewhere else. They didn’t want to waste the resources on me, just for me to up and leave.  I can’t blame them though.  So now I just wait for the next opportunity and hopefully run with it.  They say when one door closes another opens. Well I’ve been knocking on this damn door and nobody wants to answer it.

Life can be a bitch sometimes.  One day you have the world in your hands, the next day its all gone.  As I sit here at the mall using this free wifi, I look at the people around me and wounder what kind of problems each one of these people have.  One may be unemployed, one may be going through a divorce, one might be dying of cancer, while another may be suffering depression. Some may not want you to know that they suffer from depression or an illness, while others are open about it.  Some are open about it so they can try to educate the public on that condition.  Some however, are open about it so they can throw a pity party for themselves in hopes that people will feel bad for them.  As for myself, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder axis 2 back in 2002 when i was in the military. Its crazy thinking about it to be honest with you.  For almost 13 years I’ve had this, but not once have I tried to get help.  Again, this is not me wanting a pity party, and this isn’t sour grapes.  A few weeks ago I began seeing someone at the VA Clinic for these issues.  One minute I’m happy go lucky, the next tears in my eyes, the next I want to run my car off the road.  Now the last part is not a means for suicide, but rather about control.  The sad part about this, I didn’t want to go see her but my wife said I needed help.  I have lost friends, I have lost jobs because of my attitude, but I don’t want to lose my wife.  There are actions from our past that we can not change. Whether it be hurting the people we love, being an addict, causing self harm or whatever.  You can’t change the past nor should you allow the past to shape who you are today or who you can become tomorrow. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I always told my students, “your eyes are in the front of your face because you should always look ahead”.

Well I guess that’s all for now.  Don’t forget to thank a cop.