These past few years have been kinda depressing. One mom had cancer, one had a heart attack, my uncle and grandpa both passed and I got divorced. 2018 though was the year that changed my life and a year that will be close to my heart. I met by wonderful girlfriend who has brought a smile to my face that I had lost. She showed me what it was to love again, and love her is what i do. She not only brought a smile to my face, but she blessed me with a beautiful daughter who was born on 12/19/18. This little girl, Sophia Kane, is the love of my life and it’s a love that I have never felt before. I look into my daughters eyes and my heart melts. Here I am at 39 years old, with my first child. People ask me if im tired already of changing diapers or not getting sleep. I can honestly say no. I love every minute of it. Am I tired? Sure, but this little person looks at me and I know its my job to protect and care for her. So now we enter 2019, which is not about me, but about my daughter and my daughters mother. 2019 is about the family that I helped create.
Your mother is in the living room sleeping on the couch because you are making it too uncomfortable for her to sleep on the bed, guess you can say you are already being difficult. I on the other hand, am sitting here in the bedroom thinking how much my life is going to change when you finally come into this world. I’ve stated before that I started a new chapter in the book of life when I started to date your mother, but you little girl, are going to be a whole new book. A book that I never thought I would have in my hands.
I sit here wondering what you are going to look like. We’ve seen ultrasound pictures, but those are just pixels on a piece of paper. Will you have my eyes? Will you have your moms’ lips? Hopefully you have her hair, although your mom has already said she hopes you don’t.
When your mother said she was pregnant, I knew that my life was no longer about me, it was about you. People have told me that I am going to spoil you, and they’re probably right, but I’m also going to be hard on you. I’m going to be hard on you because my job is to be your father, not your friend. You won’t understand that for probably the first 20 years of your life, but you will.
You’re coming into this world with a mom who is going to love and care for you tremendously. I know this because she already does the same with your brother and sister. Your mom is very chill…as long as you listen. So, my advice to you is to do what your told. Cause honestly, I don’t want to hear your mom yell.
As for the other people in the family, they will love you in their own way. I’m sure your brother and sister will pick on you just as I picked on your aunts. And I know your grandparents are going to spoil the heck out of you and it’s going to upset me when I tell them no to something and they’ll do it anyways. But that’s ok, it their job as grandparents.
As for me, your dad. Well… I’m going to cheer you on as you take your first steps. I’m going to cheer you on as you ride your bike for the first time without your training wheels. I’m going to cheer you on when you get stage fright in the school play. I’m going to cheer you on as you walk to get your diploma.
I’m going to support you when you do a goofy volcano for a science project. I’m going to support you when you choose what career you are going to go to college for. I’m going to support you when you tell me you are in love with your boyfriend…. or girlfriend.
I’m going to love you the moment our eyes meet in the delivery room. I’m going to love you when you draw on the wall. I’m going to love you when you don’t get an “A” in math. I’m going to love you when you tell me you hate me as you slam your bedroom door. I’m going to love you when you start to date a boy that I disapprove of. I know all of this because I love you more than anything in the world right now and we haven’t even met.
July 7th, 2018. Today is the one year anniversary of your passing. I sit here on my computer, listening to Santana’s Suenos, just as I did when Kelly called me over to your bed side to check up on you. I remember checking your wrist for a pulse, then your ankles, then your chest for signs of breathing. No pulse, no breath. Just you, peacefully laying there. The trips to dialysis, the aches, the pains…all gone. The first word to come out of my mouth, “fuck”. Why that? Well, you decided to leave this earth right after dad left to go home and shower. Perhaps you did it to spare him the pain of seeing his father pass in front of him. Maybe you knew it would be hardest on him? I don’t know. I told Kelly to get Aunt Christina and it seemed everyone came running in. I made a few phone calls to my cousins and sisters and then went back to my computer to finish working on your funeral video…Suenos still playing in my headphones on loop. Life for all of us changed that day. We got together to watch the season opener of the Blackhawks game, your red chair sitting empty with only your jersey hanging over it. The Hawks won that game 10-1 over the Penguins. With each goal, I could hear you yell with excitement. In reality though, with each goal, my heart ached. I sat there looking at my dad, thinking how the hell is he handling this? The man he shared so many hockey memories with, is no longer here. He can’t high five you. He can’t call you to talk about the game. He can’t drive you home afterwards. Too many times throughout this year I told my dad that we should call you to come over, just as my dad has done the same. We stop right after we say it and kind of give an uneasy chuckle. The first time I took grandma to Minhs without you, I sat there and stared at your chair. Grandma looked at me and said “Baby I know, I know” I sat there, in a restaurant full of people, deaf to my surroundings. I looked up at grandma and starting crying. No more yelling at you for having too much liquids. No more yelling at you for trying to get some soup when you know I could get it for you. No more yelling at you for not using your cane. No more getting you your ice cream cone and then putting you on snapchat, while you saying “put that thing away”. After your passing, we all put on our big boy/big girl pants and lived our lives like you would have wanted. I remember as you laid there, I whispered in your ear “we’ll take care of grandma for you”. Well, that’s what we’ve done in our own ways. I wont speak for the rest of the family, I mean you can see from up there all the stuff they do for her. I pick her up and take her to lunch, then get suckered into dropping her off at the casinos. Each time I put on your cologne to see if she notices it. Nope. Of course my smell is different than yours so that’s probably why. Speaking of your cologne, one year later and it still smells new. When Im upset or depressed I go into the bedroom, open and smell it. It brings a smile to my face. I met a girl named Sonia about 6 months ago and you would have loved her. She’s a smartass and great with comebacks just like you were. I wish you could have met her, but most of all I wish you could be here to welcome the child she is carrying. Now this is where you would say “it’s not yours, you can’t do nothing with that little peepee”. Well I proved you wrong.
I miss you, I love you and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.
So at the Blackhawks game the other day I got the meet Tony Esposito. It was for a charity event the Blackhawks were doing. I asked him to sign my arm and look of surprise on his face was awesome. I have Bobby Hull, Chris Chelios, and Jeremy Roenick all autographed and tattooed on my arm. Here’s the video.
This is not a sad video, rather funny actually.