Mijo you’re kind of scaring me.

That’s what my grandma said to me while we were at lunch.  What do you mean grandma, as I laughed at her statement.  “Mijo you’re kind of scaring me because you are being too calm about this divorce.” I sat there for a minute and smiled.  That was a month ago.  I just told a friend last night that it would have been easier if she would have told me that she cheated on me. At least i would have something to put my anger/sadness/depressed feelings towards. Looking back now with a clear mind, I believe that she gave up way before she said she wanted the divorce.  No kissing, no physical contact, no love making. There was arguments, name calling, and threats.  It felt more like we were roommates than husband and wife.  She told me a few times that she just needed space.  How, as a married couple, do you get space?  We’re married, we are supposed to be a part of each others space.

I’ve been fine since she left.  Have I missed her?  Of course.  You can’t go 11 years with someone and just cut those feelings.  The one thing I was worried about was Christmas, the first one where I would be by myself in 11 years.  I sat at the dinner table with my family and looked at the empty seat to the right of me…the same seat that she sat at every family event.  I left the table and went to the bedroom and began to cry. My brother in law for the first time ever put his arm around me and told me it will be ok. Mind you, I was not only dealing with her, but also the first Christmas without my grandpa.

I have her family on snapchat and facebook and i’m realizing that’s not a good idea.  For the entire night I was getting notifications showing pictures and videos of her smiling, have a good time.  All while I’m sitting there, hurting. Do you really not give two shits about me anymore that you can just have a jolly o’ time with your family?  Ok, I know what you’re going to say, dude she wanted the divorce, of course she’s moved on and wasn’t thinking about you during Christmas.  I know that…and i’ve told myself that every day.  The realization that this is over was when i texted her saying I needed to talk.  Now I wasn’t going to talk about the divorce or even us, it was just to talk.  I mean for 11 years she was my go to person when I needed to vent, someone to lean on.  I woke up the next morning and there was no text from here.  Not a “hello”…not a “are you ok”…nothing. I thought about it some more and I was the one that called her to say Merry Christmas.

Another friend asked me yesterday “if she came knocking on the door and wanted to come back, would you accept her back?”  No. She gave up on me, she gave up on us, she gave up on 11 years.  I told her that I would do whatever it takes to keep us together and save our marriage.  Her response?  “I feel bad because you will do whatever it takes to change, but I won’t.  I don’t want to change.”  Well, I’m no longer sad about it.  I’m hurt.  I’m hurt because I thought I was worth fighting for.

So what was my answer to my grandma?  Well grandma sometimes it’s easier to fake the smile on the outside then to talk about the pain on the inside.

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