7/26/2014

I hate this place.  This place being the Quad Cities.  I had another interview, which i think went well, but we’ll see.  It sucks still not having a job.  I think about why I didn’t just bite my tongue with CADS but then I thought, be happy with no check or be unhappy with a check.  To be honest, I’d go back to the unhappy with a check.  As I’ve stated before, we are going to Puerto Vallarta next month.  My wife is excited, as she should be.  Me however, not so much.  Sure I’m excited about leaving this hell hole, but I’ll be thinking of all the damn bills that need to get paid.  I had my appointed with the VA yesterday. It went exactly as I thought it would.  Blah blah blah. I am  set up to have a scope in my stomach and a colonoscopy.  BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!! I also have to do a CT for my back. I also have to check with the eye doctor due to some eye blurriness.  Thanks diabetes.   35 years old and gimped out.  I suppose my frustrations are self inflicted.  I put myself in this place, nobody else.  I guess that’s why it sucks now because I can’t try to fix these frustrations because i’m married.  I can’t think about me, I have to think about us.  I’ve told my dad that if I wasn’t married, one of two things would happen.  One, I’d move back to Texas.  Two, I’d take the Kurt Cobain route and end this fkn pain that my body is going through. Don’t take that the wrong way, i’m not going to off myself because of depression.  I suppose the best way to explain it, is to compare it with those who want assisted suicide.  They don’t want to end their life because they are going through financial hardship or divorce or whatnot.  Rather, it is because they cannot enjoy life on their own terms.  I have back problems, I have stomach problems, I have aniexty.  The VA wants to pump me with pills, but i’m not trying to be a zombie for the rest of my life.  I think about my wife and I feel sorry for her. It’s hard to make others happy, when you are not happy yourself.  I am in love with my wife and I would do anything for her, it’s just hard when you are in pain.  On a lighter note, I’m in starbucks and just realized, I’ve never seen a starbucks commercial.  

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