The following blog deals with the recent decision Barbara and I made concerning our marriage. We have decided that it’s probably best to get divorced. To my family and friends, at no time do I wish to hear any of you talking shit about Barbara, nor will any of you hear me speak negative of her. We do not hate each other, so there is no reason for either of us to talk shit. Also, Barbara is more of a private person so please DO NOT bombard her with questions. Thank you.

10 years ago I was in a pretty bad place in my life.  No job, no house and living in my sister’s basement.  I was on Myspace (for you youngins, that was the original facebook) just looking at people in the area and came across one profile that got my attention.  It belonged to a pretty twenty something woman named Barbara.

One day Barbara responded to a post I left her and after that we talked everyday for three months.  I finally gathered up the courage to ask her to meet.  I said lets meet at a restaurant for lunch, this way if either of us is uncomfortable, we can leave. So there I was, sitting at the corner table of La Primavera, wondering if this girl was going to show up.  Of course, she was running on Mexican time, but when she walked through the door, I knew she was the one I was going to marry.  It was kind of funny that for three months, we could talk via posts, but face to face i was shy and nervous.  She was so pretty, I thought.  Those eyes, and damn those lips lol.  So after lunch I asked her what she was doing that night and she said she was going to go to dinner with her sisters. I said cool, what time should i meet you?  Looking back now, i guess you could say that was a bit stalkerish lol.  She laughed and probably thought i was joking but guess who showed up for dinner? This guy. After we parted for the night, I went to the gas station around my dads house, put three bucks into the slot machine (at the time in IA, slot machines were in gas stations too) pulled the lever and won $1000.  I called her right after and said you are my good luck charm. We have been together ever since.

On Oct 9th, 2010 we got married.  I remember crying as she walked down the isle. She looked gorgeous.  I remember thinking I have to be a man now, no more childish shit.  She is trusting me to be in her life. Like most marriages it wasn’t always easy. There was yelling, there was crying, there was one slight physical altercation that happened because of her love of Hardees.  Wont get into it but shit still cracks me up to this day.  Seriously though, we faced the same problems that all married couples do.  And each time we got through it.  When we got married I said that I would never get divorced because if you are in love with someone then you can move past the bs and come out stronger together. Fast forward to this year.  A friend of hers had passed away unexpectedly and things began to change.

I’ve always said, you don’t have to touch a person to push them away, words and attitudes can do the same. And i think that’s what happened.  She wanted to live that type of way and I couldn’t handle it. My reasoning is, you are not single, your married.  She went to Texas with her sister and friend for the weekend and for the first time in awhile my anxiety wasn’t in full force. I called her in the morning, maybe texted her twice in the day and waited for her to call me when she got back to the hotel at night.  But if you ask her, I called every hour on the hour lol.  I picked her up from the train station and asked if she was still in it…she said she didn’t know.  For the first time in 7 years, I just heard my wife question our marriage. So for two weeks we discussed it back and forth.  One day she said she wanted a divorce, the next day I said i wanted it.

Finally, we came to the agreement that on Sunday Nov, 5 2017 we would finally make up our minds. After and hour or so on the couch, airing out our shit, she finally asked what i wanted to do.  I said I can’t say because i don’t want to sway what you’re going to say.  I said lets write it on a piece of paper give it to each other. Childish shit i know, but hey, you do what you gotta do. She wrote her answer, I wrote mine.  I opened it up expecting for it to say we would work on it.  Nope, it said divorce. She opened her’s and the look on her face was that of surprise.  It said stay.

It’s amazing how one simple word can make your stomach end up in your throat so quickly.   To know that a person no longer wants you in that capacity really hurts. We’ve been through so many other things without giving up that i figured this was just another bump in the road that we we would get over.   I told her that I love her enough to fight for our marriage, but I also love her enough to give her the divorce she wants.

My feelings are all over the place.  One minute i love her, the next I’m mad, the next I’m crying, the next Im ok. As you read this, please don’t think I’m an angel throughout this marriage. There are times that I can think of where she could have asked me for a divorce and I wouldn’t even question it. She met a guy who was living on his sister’s couch in the basement and gave him a chance. She stayed with a guy who bounced from job to job because he got bored with each one. She stayed with a guy who couldn’t give her children.

For all of that I love her. In fact, I’m still in love with her. But you can’t force someone to have the same feelings as you.  We said that we would be better as friends than husband and wife.  I truly hope that is the outcome we have because she is and will forever have a place in my heart. We are not divorcing because we cheated on each other or because we hate each other.  I believe we are divorcing because we don’t want it to get to that point.

This new chapter in my life is going to be weird for me. I’ve never really lived by myself.  In the military i had a roommate, as a CO I shared a house with a coworker, lived with my aunt, lived with my sister, lived with Barbara’s mom and then with Barbara for the past 7 years. Never too late to put on your big boy pants.  Will I ever get remarried? If i had a dollar for every time I have heard that, I’d have probably 6 bucks lol.  I can’t tell you to be honest, just too soon.  I’m scared that I wont find someone who will love me. I’m scared to start over.  I’m scared to face the first dates, or the rejections.  I’m scared that Barbara will find a guy who will make her smile shine brighter than I could.

In closing, there is a song that I always liked but never really understood till now.  I got to see Coldplay in Chicago for Barbara’s birthday.

My dad, grandpa and our Chicago Blackhawks.

On June 1st, 1992 I remember going into my dads bedroom where he was layin down watching tv. I sat on the edge of the bed, wondering what he was watching.  Turns out it was game 4 of the 1992 Stanley Cup Finals, which was the Chicago Blackhawks vs Pittsburgh Penguins. I remember asking question after question and he was happy to answer, even though the Hawks were about to get swept in the Finals.  What I didn’t know at the time was just how much my dad enjoyed the Hawks.

It wasn’t until a few years later in 1994 when I was in 8th grade that I actually learned how much the Hawks meant. My dad surprised me with tickets to my first Hawks game.  He said he wanted me to experience the sights and smells of the old Chicago Stadium. Now if you have ever been to Chicago Stadium, you know that it was old, small, smelly, and loud.

Looking back now, the best part wasn’t going to the game, but hearing the stories that my dad had of being a kid and running up the stairs to get a good seat for my grandpa and cousin Kenny.  My dad would talk about my grandpa taking him to Mama Schiavone bar and how some of the players would go in after the games and would chat with my dad and grandpa while that drank.  The 60’s obviously were a different time, since a young kid in a bar wouldn’t fly today.  Now after hearing these stories about Mama Schiavone’s, I figured it was just a simple high five and that was it. Then, in 2013 at the Blackhawks convention, I had the opportunity to talk to Bobby Hull as he signed my tattoo.  Of course my dad took advantage of the situation and asked Bobby if he remembered that bar.  And wouldn’t you know it, Bobby remembered. Not only did he remember, but he remembered chatting with my dad and grandpa. Of course you could chalk it up to him just agreeing for the sake of agreement.  But he started talking about the same stuff my dad told me about.  So just as my dad had the memory of meeting Hull with my grandpa, I have the memory of meeting Hull with my dad.

As I’ve stated before in a prior post, there are certain things you do with your parents, grandparents, or any family member for that matter that will lead to traditions, and those that will be etched in your mind. So tonight, almost 4 months to the day that my grandpa passed, we sit here getting ready for game 1 of the 2017/2018 NHL season. My grandma, aunts, dad and mom are all here…and even though I look to my right and see an empty red chair, I know my grandpa is sitting there.


Chicago Blackhawks 2017

Tonight is the first preseason game for the Blackhawks. Normally, I’d be excited about this and call my dad and grandpa to see if they’re going to watch it, but not tonight. My dad and I decided not to go to the home opener, but rather watch it at his house, with my uncles, with my grandpa’s jersey on the chair he sat in. For the first time my dad will have to watch a game knowing he can’t call his dad to celebrate a win or pick him up to watch the game. Some of you may think that this is being over dramatic, but the Blackhawks were a bonding experience that was passed on through generations. Some may have memories of baking cookies with their grandma, or perhaps fishing with their grandpa, mine was celebrating a goal. As the Blackhawks take the puck past the blue line and slip the puck past the goalie, this celebration will be different, this celebration will be with tears. 318309_10150344824679326_13401254_n

Things on My Mind 7.31.17

Here are my top three TOMM in no particular order.

  1. Stupid is as stupid does.

“Surveillance video shows border protection officers encourage teen to sip liquid meth solution that killed him”-NYDAILYNEWS.    What kind of bullshit is this?  The border protection officers encouragement didn’t lead to his death, his own dumb ass choices did.  This kid knew exactly what was in those bottles.  He got caught up in a situation where he was trying to pull a fast one on the officers and that shit backfired.  If I’m going to carry liquid meth across the border and an agent tells me to drink some to prove it’s not drugs, best believe my monkey ass ain’t drinking that shit.  Fuck this dumb ass guy.

2) Hmm..I wonder what the difference between these two are?

1969 Biafra, Nov. 1969

Medical clinic in Mabaitoti - Owerri.

The picture on the left is of Charlie Gard who’s family was in the news for the past few months. He had a rare illness called mitochondrial DNA depletion syndrome.  This disease weakens the bodies tissues and brain function.  This issue here is that the doctors working on Charlie informed his parents that he should be taken off life support. They disagreed and asked to try an experimental drug on him that would reverse the illness.  Close to 490,000 people signed a petition asking that he be allowed to travel to the US for treatment.  The UK courts said nope and that’s when the US stepped in and gave Charlie citizenship so he could travel to the US without approval from the UK.  A Dr from the US came in and tried to convince the UK courts that he could help Charlie. While waiting for an answer, the family gave up and just decided to have Charlie come home and die in hospice. The hospital in all its glory said sorry, his ventilator wont fit through the door.   Well, a little to late as Charlie died a week before his birthday.

So 490,000 people came together to try to get this kid to the US.  Funny, I didn’t see a petition going around for the kids on the right. I guess my question is, why is it ok to help one but not all?  Why don’t these kids get the same news coverage as Charlie?  And no, watching Sally Struthers at 2am talk about .35c a day doesn’t count.

3) Transgender ban in the military.

If you’re willing to put your life on the line for our country, more power to you, been there done that.  However…  I personally agree with the ban.  Am I against transgender people?  No.  I just think that right now there are too many variables that the military would have to deal with.  First, going TDY.  If i present as a male today and am in an all male dorm/tent, then present as a female tomorrow, do I stay in the all male tent or does the unit officer go through the hassle of doing the paper work to move me to an all female tent/dorm? So now I’m in an all female tent, preop with a dick.  There’s 12 females in this tent with you who don’t see you as transgender, they only see you as having a dick.

Second, service members have to be  held to the same physical fitness standards of that of a male/female, not of the gender the person identifies with. Again, I’m a transgender female who is 67 inches, weighing 170 lbs, 4 lbs over the max limit. Now I present as a male whose weight limit for my age and height are 176 lbs, putting me under the limit by 6 lbs. How is that fair?

Third, it used to be that you went into the service to get free college, now you go in to get sex reassignment surgery or therapy.  The issue here is that the military has to meet a quote on how many male/females join. If you’re a male today, female tomorrow, it kind of fucks numbers up.  Also, tax payers aren’t going to be happy that their tax dollars are going to giving or taking away a penis.

Forth, you can not be combat ready if you rely on taking hormone treatments.  You can’t be in a war zone for 6 months and skip treatments, it wouldn’t be healthy and may do damage.

What about Kristin Beck? She was a part of Seal Team 6 and is transgender.  True, but she also transitioned when she got out of the military , so her argument with Trump and this ban holds no merit.